


Desire & Despair

by The_Fallen_Pizzaman



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angels, Destiel - Freeform, Fallen Angels, Fallen Castiel, Loneliness, M/M, Secrets, Supernatural - Freeform, Swearing, Winchester - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-11-04
Updated: 2013-12-29
Packaged: 2017-12-31 11:00:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1030913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Fallen_Pizzaman/pseuds/The_Fallen_Pizzaman
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Time goes by so slowly when you're being torn apart, but Dean already knows that.  And it hurts like hell.  Literally.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Giving In

**Author's Note:**

> Starts off with season 9. This is my first post, so criticism is greatly appreciated.:). This chapter is short, but the next ones will probably be longer. I hope you like it!

Three months. It has been three months since Ezekiel possessed Sam. Ezekiel still lives in Sam's subconscious, and Sam still has no clue that Ezekiel is there, lurking inside of him. I constantly wonder how long this will go on. I still don't fully trust Ezekiel, considering how he has acted lately. Sam thinks he is going crazy, and it's all I can do not to tell him he is possessed by, what I think is an angel, whom I do not trust. 

That means it has been two months since I told Cas he must depart from the bunker and stay away. I haven't talked to him since, even though he has a cellphone. I told him it was for emergencies only. So either he's dead, or doing just fine. Without my protection. But that's great, that's a good thing. In fact that is just perfect. Sammy is still healing, and I bet Ezekiel is still helping him with good intentions. No one has come after us yet either. I should be fine with that. But I'm not.

I miss Cas like hell. Well, actually, I don't miss hell at all, so that isn't the best example. I miss Cas like I miss non-possessed Sam. Not a day goes by when I don't think about Cas's pain-stricken face, shock and sorrow swimming in his deep blue eyes. And one other feeling lurked in the air: fear. Cas had only been human for a few days. He was scared to death of being alone with most of the previously-feathery-assed-angels hunting him. And right when he had finally felt safe again, I threw him out with Ezekiel's command. How much more of a dick could I have been?

"Good morning, Dean." Sam interrupted my train of thought, setting a steaming cup of coffee down beside me. I looked up from the table I was sitting at. Sam was wearing loose jeans and a plaid button-down shirt, like always. His damp hair dripped onto his shoulders, still wet from the shower he took.

"Hey, Sammy." I replied, rubbing my drowsy eyes. I leaned back in my chair, pulling my gray robe over my torso, crossing my arms. "What time is it?" I sighed.

" Around ten." He replied, tucking his hair behind his ears.

"It's ten already?" I said with surprise.

"Yep." Sam replied, beginning to clean up the mess of books on the table.

I stared at him for a moment, clicking my tongue. " How are you?" I asked. 

Sam looked up at me. " I'm fine." 

Annoyed, I leaned forward on the table. "I meant, how are you." I hinted. Suddenly Sam's eyes shined a bright blue, and he stared ahead of him. The light gradually faded from his eyes, revealing Ezekiel. 

He looked forward with an emotionless gaze. "Your brother is healing well. " Ezekiel muttered. "But he will continue to need my support in order to insure his survival." 

I glared at him. I had been receiving that same answer for months now. 

"How much longer? " He turned to face me with stone cold eyes. " How much longer until you can move your fallen ass out of my brother?" I questioned.

Ezekiel tipped his head a little, reminding me of Cas. I hated when Ezekiel tried to replace Cas by copying his innocently-confused head tilt. " I cannot clarify an answer at the moment." He muttered.

Suddenly, I stood up and slammed my clenched fist on the table, which didn't seem to shock Ezekiel at all. 

"Dammit Ezekiel!" I raged.

"How much longer will this take? How much longer will you be lingering inside my brother without his real permission? When can I bring Cas back home and kick your ass out!?"

I stopped, knowing I was wasting my breath. Ezekiel already knew how I felt about the situation. He wasn't going to give me the answers I needed anytime soon. Ezekiel quickly dismissed my anger, his eyes flashed a bright blue once again, revealing Sam. 

"I said, I'm fine." Sam looked at me with confusion. 

"Weren't you just sitting down?" He asked. I coughed, trying to act casual. I didn't want him to think he was losing his mind, although he already thought that. 

" Yeah, well you must have blinked." I faked a smile and turned to trot to my bedroom, grabbing my coffee mug as I went.

I opened my bedroom door, and shut it behind me as I walked in. I though hard about punching the wall, but I vetoed the idea. Sam would hear me and freak out. Or worse, Ezekiel might take him over again and try to calm me down with meaningless words. And then I would break Sam's face in anger, and Sam would probably go insane with hurt and confusion.

Instead, I made my way over to my oak dresser, and opened the top drawer, setting the coffee mug on top of the dresser. I pulled out a pair of dark jeans and slipped them over my legs. Then I shut the drawer and shrugged off my robe, throwing it in the closet. My head throbbed with questions. Why wouldn't Ezekiel let me tell Cas about him? Why did it take so long for him to heal Sam? Frustrated, I sat down on my bed and folded my hands, thinking. Is Ezekiel hiding something?

I began to hum Metallica to calm myself down. I was worrying too much. Sam was going to get better soon. I'd just have to wait for Ezekiel to complete his job. Then Cas could come home, I thought. Home. I still could not believe I had a place to call home. And we had a dungeon, which was pretty awesome.

As I sat on the bed, my eyes wandered towards the nightstand beside it. There laid my black cellphone, taunting me. Without thinking, I grabbed the device with a strong grip. I began to scroll through my contacts until I saw the number labeled "Cas". Maybe I could just call him and see if he's okay. Just once. 

No, I thought, I shouldn't. That might put Ezekiel in danger, and then he'd leave Sam to die. But then again, it was very unlikely that Ezekiel would find out if I just called Cas. And Cas was important to me too. I didn't need Ezekiel's permission to do anything, and my worry and guilt got the best of me.

Naturally, I looked around to make sure no one could see me. With a shaky hand, I pressed Cas' number, and drew the phone up to my face. Then the first ring. No answer. Then the second ring. No answer. I began to grow impatient at the third ring. Thoughts of what could've happened to him filled my mind, and I started to panic. He's dead. He's being tortured this very second, crying out for help where no one can hear him. I was drowning so deep in my head, I almost missed the voice that came through the phone. A sweet, low voice that I had yearned to hear for so long.

"Dean?" The voice had said, with a hint of surprise. I stared blindly ahead of me for a moment, relief pushing the worry and fear out of my head. My voice trembled as I replied. 

" ...Cas?"


	2. My Dirty Little Secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Criticism is greatly appreciated! I hope you guys enjoy this chapter. It is longer than the first one.

I was frozen at the sound of Cas' voice. He wasn't dead or anything, so that was good. Still so many questions pooled into my mind. How was he doing? Had he found a place to stay? Did he get a job? Has he hunted since we last talked? Did he own a car? Did he have a girlfriend? I frowned at that question, irritated. Why was it so bad if he had a girlfriend? Or a boyfriend? 

"What is it Dean?" Cas spoke once more, and I realized how long I stayed silent for. 

"Cas?" I whispered, my smile stretching across my face. A sudden shot of happiness crawled up my spine as I sat up straighter.

"Yes, Dean, that is a shortened version my name. What did you need?" To hear his sweet raspy voice say my name gave me a boost of excitement. I jumped up off of the bed and walked over to my dresser.

"I just...um...wanted to see if you were still alive." I beamed, opening the second drawer. 

"Dean, you know you can't look at me through the phone." Cas sounded confused. 

I sighed heavily. "I wish." I realized how unusual that sounded as Cas fell silent for a moment. But luckily, he quickly dismissed it.

"It's been awhile." I commented.

"Yes," Cas agreed. "It has."

I thought about what to say next, questions swimming in my mind. 

"Well..." Cas muttered. "Is that all?"

"Um," I panicked at the thought of Cas hanging up the phone, and I blurted out the first thing that came to mind. 

"How's life?" 

"Um, strange I suppose." 

"Do you have a girlfriend yet?" I mentally slapped myself for asking. 

"Um," 

"Or a boyfriend?" I pushed, now mentally beating myself. 

"Dean," Cas said. "You know how relationships have ended for me in the past." I heard Cas swallow, sounding embarrassed.

I stayed silent as I rummaged through my clothes, searching for a gray v-neck. Apparently Cas heard me through the phone.

"What are you doing?" He questioned. 

"Getting dressed." I replied. I stiffened at my answer. "What are you doing?" I quickly covered up the chance for an awkward silence. 

"I'm currently sitting in my motel room." Cas sniffed. He sounded so lonely. Cas cleared his throat before he spoke again. "Actually, I'm uh...I'm pretty close to the bunker." A flower of hope bloomed in my chest. 

"How far?" I coughed.

"About a half hour drive I think." 

"Okay," I said awkwardly. Did he want me to go see him? I knew if he asked, I couldn't decline. Cas was all alone, and I was bored as crap at the bunker. 

"Did...did you want me to come over?" I asked as I finally found my shirt. 

"Yes," Cas sighed. "I have run out of activities to perform at the moment, and I haven't found a new case yet." 

"Well, I could come over now." I managed to say while pulling my shirt over me.

"I'd like that very much." I could practically hear Cas's adorable smile through the phone.

"Bye, Cas." I grinned, happiness washing over me as I hung up the phone. I rushed to find my jacket and tie my boots. I grabbed my phone and keys as I hurried out the door of my bedroom. Sam looked up from his laptop to me as I passed him.

"Where are you going?" Sam shifted in his seat. I quickly climbed the metal stairs and opened the front door.

"Out."

. . . . .

Around forty minutes later I turned my Impala into the motel parking lot Cas had texted me the address to. I pushed open the door and heaved myself out, leaning on the car. I shut the heavy door as I made my way across the parking lot to the front entrance. Cas's room was on the first floor of the old motel. I knocked on the door four times and looked down, waiting. 

I saw the handle turn as the door creaked open. I held my breath as Cas's radiant blue eyes met mine, paralyzing me for a moment. A stupid smile spread across my face, until I looked at the rest of him.

His jeans were torn and bloody, and he had no shoes on. He wore a dark blue button-down shirt that was unbuttoned with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, revealing freshly made wounds and scars across his chest and arms. He held his stomach, and I could see the blood on his hands. Then I realized how tired and beaten up he really was. A stream of blood trickled down the side of his face and his lip was cut open, turning his lips a deep red. 

Cas struggled to maintain eye-contact as he leaned towards me. I caught his battered body as he fell into my arms.

"Cas!?" I yelled, panicking. 

Cas's breath was ragged and pleading as he whispered, "Dean."

"Don't speak," I told him as I slung one of his arms around my shoulders, clutching his side. I could feel his rib cage expand with each short breath as he basically went limp. 

"Dammit." I muttered as I dragged us into the room, kicking the door shut. I gently laid Cas down onto the single bed, but his hand tightly held on to the back of my jacket. 

"Cas," I whispered as I tugged at his arm. 

He groaned as he let go. I stood up and glanced around the messy room. Blood was smeared on the wall and it stained the carpet, and a window was broken. A light green lamp laid broken by the nightstand next to the bed. On the small wooden nightstand, a bloody angel blade sat.  
I turned back to Cas. 

"What the hell, Cas-" I started, but then I saw the blood from his stomach dripping onto the bed. The wound was deep and I realized that Cas could possibly bleed out. I ran into the bathroom, grabbing all of the white towels I could find. As I exited the bathroom, I noticed that the mirror was cracked, blood lining the edges. I rushed back to Cas, who was trying to sit up. 

"Don't." I pushed him back down on the bed.

"I'm fine." Cas protested, coughing up a little blood. 

He wheezed as I sat him up against the pillows. I used the towels to soak up the blood and kept him from losing more. His eyes were growing dull as he looked at me. 

"Who did this to you?" I had to keep him talking, unsure of his medical state at the moment. 

"I-" Cas chocked. "An angel..." He coughed.

"Another one?" I wasn't surprised. "What the hell-how did another angel have time to attack you within a half hour?" Seriously, he had just gotten done talking to Cas. He seemed fine then. 

"Right after you...hung up," Cas breathed. "An angel...he kicked in the...window." 

"Where is your bag?" I stopped him.

"Corner." 

I found his brown duffel bag and took out some thread, needles, and gauze. Next I went to the refrigerator to find some sort of alcohol, grabbing a beer. I slammed the cap on the counter to open the beer bottle. I walked back over to Cas this time, careful not to spill all of the beer before I got to him. Cas watched as I set the supplies down on the nightstand.

"As you were saying." I kneeled beside the bed.

"He...um...he slashed my arm...with an angel blade," Cas lightly shook his head. "And I glanced at my...injured arm and he...kicked me backwards-" Cas gasped as I stuck the first stitch into his stomach wound. He reached out to grab the back of my jacket with shaking hands. And he wouldn't let go. 

Cas was shaking. He was hurt and fearful and alone. If he had been at the bunker, if Dean had never thrown him out, Cas wouldn't have had to be alone, to fight alone.

"Go on." I urged him.

"I stumbled back-" Cas gasped as I stuck the needle in again, gripping my jacket tighter. He soon relaxed. "Into the bathroom. I spun him around...and slammed him...against-" He gasped as I stuck him a third time. "The mirror." 

Cas didn't speak after that. I tried to have him tell me the rest of the story, but he shook his head and buried his face into my shoulder, never letting go of my jacket. I found his actions strange: he had been better about his personal space issue lately. To have Cas clutching me worried the hell out of me. Cas has never showed me this side of him:his broken side. But I didn't say anything, I actually found our closeness quite relaxing. So I continued to stitch him up, feeling horrible at his constant cries of pain. I was almost done when Cas spoke again.

"Dean," He whimpered, his voice muffled against my shoulder.

I stopped what I was doing for a second. "Yeah." 

"It hurts." He croaked. "Everything hurts."

"It's okay," I smiled. "I'm going to fix you, okay?" 

Cas fell silent again and I finished sewing up his stomach. He let go of me and leaned back on the bed, sighing as he closed his eyes and put his hands over his head. I looked Cas over, licking my lips as fantasy thoughts filled my mind. Even injured, Cas was the most astonishing piece of art I had ever seen. He was so beautiful, and I could just-

"Dean." Cas interrupted my dirty thoughts, his eyes open. We stared at each other for a moment, blushing as I wondered if Cas knew I was checking him out. I ducked my head and reached for the beer bottle on the nightstand. Right as I began to pour it on him, more dirty thoughts flooded my head, and Cas's sudden gasping did not help at all.

"Son of a-" Cas hissed, clenching his fists. He squeezed his eyes shut at the sting. 

"You okay?" I asked once Cas opened his eyes again. 

"Yeah." 

"Do you want to tell me the rest of the story now?"

"No." Cas sniffed, sitting up, swinging his legs to the side of the bed. 

"What are you doing?" I asked as Cas pushed himself up to stand. He grabbed the gauze on the nightstand and held it out to me. I took the gauze as I stood up and began to wrap it around Cas's stomach. 

"One second." Cas muttered. I gazed at him as he slid his shirt off of his muscular shoulders, letting it fall to the ground. Cas then proceeded to lift his arms up slightly so I could wrap the gauze around him. Somehow I managed to focus on wrapping the bandage. I shoved my thoughts into the back corner of my mind as I hugged my arms around Cas's waist to wrap the gauze around. But then I saw his hipbones, so sharp they could cut you just by looking at them. I shuddered as I brushed up against them multiple times. 

Once I'd finished, Cas sighed as he fell onto the side of the bed, his arms stretched over his head. He closed his eyes and laid there, looking a little too sexy. If only I could summon up the courage to climb on top of him, and, shit. I glanced down at my jeans, feeling myself blush. I turned on my heels and started speed walking to the bathroom. 

"Dean?" A confused Cas questioned.

I stopped on my tracks. Shit shit shit. I glanced over my shoulder hesitantly. "Yeah?" 

"Where are you going?" His eyes were innocent and a wave of relief washed over me. 

"To the bathroom." I waved a bloody hand at him and his eyes flickered with realization. I headed into the bathroom, locking the door. 

"Shit," I grumbled as I glared at the growing bulge in my pants. 

"Really Dean? A boner?" I gave my groin the finger before setting my elbows on the sink, staring at the cracked mirror. 

I had always had feelings for Cas, ever since his brilliant blue gaze met mine in that old shed. The added sparks completed his entrance, matching my feelings. I guess I figured out what people meant by 'sparks flying'. Well, for me anyways. I mean, he was beautiful. And when nothing could stop him from strolling over to me, then when he spread his wings. I didn't want to believe in love at first sight, so I had tried to act hostile towards Cas. Even a shadow of those magnificent wings mesmerized me. I didn't want to admit it, but right then I believed. In God, the devil, angels, everything he told me was real.

I jumped as Cas knocked on the bathroom door. 

"Jesus, Cas!" I relaxed, throwing my head back in frustration. I knew I wouldn't have time to take care of myself now. I'd spent up all of my time thinking.

"Dean, are you okay?" Cas questioned, yelling from outside of the door.

"Yes, Cas," I looked down. "Shit." 

"What?!" Cas yelled.

A small squeal of surprise exited Cas as I suddenly opened the door. There stood a startled and shirtless Cas. 

"I'm fine." I made jazz hands to enhance my answer.

Cas's eyes shot down to my hands and back to catch my gaze.

"But your hands." Cas murmured.

"Hmm?" I jerked my head closer to his, attempting to play dumb as I shoved my hands behind my back. 

Cas stared at me. "They're still bloody."


	3. Cherry Pie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not my best work, but I hope you enjoy this anyways!

"They're still bloody." 

I opened my mouth only to make a small "o" and squint my eyes. "What?" I made a cheesy smile.

Cas reached his arms around my back, grabbing my wrists tightly. He yanked them out in front of me, looking down at them. 

"They're still bloody, Dean. Look at them." Cas continued to stare at my hands, then looked up at me.

"Dean," 

"Yeah." 

"What exactly were you doing in the bathroom?" 

"Uh," I tensed up with a shot of panic. 

Cas dropped my hands, and quickly grabbed my jacket, yanking it off along with my plaid blue shirt underneath. I only wore my gray v-neck on my torso, and I felt very naked. 

Cas then proceeded to slowly lifted the edge of my v-neck up. I shivered as his cool fingertips grazed over my waistline, gradually creeping up my chest. I gritted my teeth together as his hand rested on my heart, the other on my hip. I watched Cas's eyes as he slowly looked from my hips, to my chest, to my eyes. 

His eyes were a mixture of care and concern, which confused me. Why would Cas be worried? He soon answered my question.

"Your heart...it's beating so fast." Cas commented. "But your not injured as far as I can tell." 

I knew it had been too good to be true. He thought I was wounded, and thought I had tried to hide that wound from him. Disappointment seeped throughout me as I realized Cas had no interest in me, he was just trying to be a good friend. Yet Cas kept his hands under my shirt, like they were stuck to my skin. Unblinking dark pits of swirling blue bore into my eyes.

An eternity passed before my phone wrung loudly from my jacket laying on the floor next to us. We jumped back from each other, startled by the sudden noise. I made a move towards my jacket pocket, when Cas let out a yelp of pain. 

"Cas?" I looked back at him. He was crouched over, clutching the bandage with both hands. 

"I'm fine, Dean." Cas's eyes were squeezed shut with a pained expression on his still bloody face. He soon opened his deep blue eyes and looked up at me, and gave a weak smile.

"Humans- how do you do it?" 

"Do what?" I asked, confused.

We stared at each other for a moment longer before Cas looked away. He slowly stood up straight. 

"This," He breathed, motioning to his surroundings in a circular movement, including me. Before I could say anything else, my phone buzzed. I crouched down to fish it out of my pocket to find that it was Sam.

"Dean, where are you? I thought you'd be back by now."

I sighed before typing a reply.

"I'm fine, Sammy. I'll be back soon." 

I shoved my phone in the back pocket of my jeans after hitting send. 

"Was that Sam?" Cas questioned while leaning on the kitchen counter across the room, opening a package of some sort.

"Yeah, he's getting antsy. What are you doing?" 

"It's called eating, Dean. I would've thought you of all people would know that." Cas held up the package which read. "Turkey Breast." 

"So you like turkey?" I concluded.

"Only this kind, the others are dry and tasteless. But this brand," Cas picked up a slice of turkey. "Is amazing." He said, shoveling it in his mouth, letting out a groan that sent shivers through my body. 

I needed a distraction. "You got any beer?" I asked.

Cas nodded towards the fridge, which I made my way over to pull out a bottle. 

"Do you want one?" I looked up at Cas, who shook his head.

"I don't drink." He said with a mouthful of turkey.

"Then why do you have beer, anyway?" I furrowed my brow in confusion.

"I thought..." Was Cas blushing? "You might come over." Cas glanced down, swallowing.

After a moment of silence, he suddenly looked up at me. He smiled before pulling himself to sit on the counter and open up a cabinet door above his head. He dug around in the cabinet, pulling out what was no other than a cherry pie. 

"I, uh... I also got you this." Cas held out the box to me. He blushed some more and gave me a stupid smile. I loved it. 

"You are absolutely amazing." I smirked at him, and he chuckled. He was so fucking adorable. I grabbed the box from his hands and stepped closer to him until I was standing between his legs. I was already leaning towards him when I realized I was about to kiss him. The fuck is wrong with you, Dean? Stop being so damn horny and get a grip! I made a split second decision to go in for a hug. Hopefully Cas wouldn't notice my mistake. 

After a moment, Cas awkwardly hugged me back. I didn't want to pull away, but eventually I did, avoiding eye contact with Cas. I stepped away, scanning the kitchen. By a lucky guess, I opened the silverware drawer, and grabbed a fork. I shut it with a hip thrust, and walked over to where Cas sat on the counter. I lifted myself up to sit beside him, flipping the lid over on the pie box.

What I didn't expect was Cas' question that had me spitting pie twenty feet across the room.

"Dean, why do you have an erection?"


End file.
